Church Penalties Part 1

Due to an increasing number of infractions, both incidental and intentional, the league office is assigning teams to officiate weekly services. The following is intended to serve as a primer to familiarize yourself with Sunday morning infractions, and the associated penalties. *** Infraction: Improper giving of directions Explanation: Usually cited in the foyer or hallways, this penalty is called whenever a church member serving either in an official capacity, or in "just being friendly" improperly delivers incorrect directions to another person. Typically seen in sending young families to the senior adult department. Infractions occurring in the sanctuary will also be cited. Penalty: Two weeks "penalty box" service in extended session or nursery. Infraction: Excessive End Zone Celebration Explanation: Much like a wide receiver over-celebrating a touchdown, this infraction cites the front row worshippers who draw attention away from God and to themselves by improper clapping techniques (as demonstrated by the official) or excessive booty-shaking, pew jumping, or aisle-rolling. Penalty: The offending person will be penalized fifteen rows in the sanctuary, or assigned to the balcony for the remainder of the service. Infraction: Excessive use of alliteration Explanation: This infraction is called on preachers who attempts to make three points of a sermon all beginning with the letters X, Q, or Z. This penalty can also be imposed upon a preacher who attempts to nest alliterative sub-points within already-alliterated major points. Penalty: The official will dock ten minutes from the alloted sermon time. Infraction: Improper Question Asking Explanation: Usually cited in the Sunday school or Bible study environment, this infraction is whistled when a student asks any off-topic question or poses to ask a question with the intent of passing off a comment from his study Bible as his own idea. This penalty can also be called if a parishoner mistakently attempts to answer a rhetorical question asked by the pastor from the pulpit. Penalty: Compulsory five-minute censorship placed upon the the penalized individual. Infraction: Excessive Drawing of Attention to Self Explanation: Another Sunday school or Bible Study penalty, this infraction is called upon the person who tries to share a personal experience with every teaching point of a lesson, thinking the gathering is "all about me." This violation is affectionately called the Penelope rule, and can be cited against any individual who offers multiple attempts to "one-up" someone else's personal experience. Penalty: Offender will be required to ask five questions about other people for each violation. Infraction: Unnecessary use of Announcements Explanation: Usually cited for improper use of alternative information media, this violation is called when pulpit is used to convey more than three announcements consecutively, or back-to-back announcements that do not apply to the majority of the church congregation in attendance. Penalty: Loss of Announcement in the subsequent week's services. Infraction: Improper Folding of Arms Explanation: Called in the sanctuary against congregants with the "I dare you to bless me" mindset. Usually in church against their will, the folded arms gesture is a subtle expression of misery or defiance. Penalty: Required to laugh out loud at the pastor's upcoming joke, even if it is recycled and unfunny. Infraction: Unnecessary or Inappropriate Pounding of the Pulpit Explanation: Cited whenever a preacher begins hammering away on the pulpit excessively, particularly on sermons about love, joy, peace, or happiness. Also, if the pastor deviates from a message and begins smiting the pulpit on a tangential monologue on politics, MTV, or teenage boys who don't wear belts on their britches. Penalty: Immediate removal of pulpit or podium, and issuance of broken music stand from which to preach for the remainder of the sermon. Infraction: False Start Explanation: When a preacher exceeds one-fourth of preaching time with the introduction, nests anecdotes within the introduction, or re-preaches two-thirds or more of the previous week's sermon as a means of introduction. Penalty: Loss of third sermon point for current week's message.